1.12.2012
Sydney.Jasmine ™: Bald Barbie Movement
Sydney.Jasmine ™: Bald Barbie Movement: http://www.facebook.com/BeautifulandBaldBarbie?sk=info So there has been a campaign circling around the internet in pursuit for Mattel to ...
1.11.2012
A House Part Three
I live in a house where not everything was complete bad and out of control. I mean I have had some good memories here. So today, I'm not gonna focus on the negative, I'm going to focus on the positives.
In this house, I always had some pretty good Christmas's. I usually gotten everything I asked for. "She" always told me she wanted me to have a better Christmas than what she had. Which is understandable. What ever I didn't have in my life, I will most defiantly go the extra mile to make sure my child have it. Like... A car at the age of 16. That is one of my biggest gifts I want to give my child. This does not include a meal every night and ect. Those are things your child needs. I live in a house where I have taken many road trips with "her". We been to New York, New Jersey, Atlanta, VA, SC and Washington DC. Probably some more place that I cant remember off the back. I always liked when we would spend time together and actually get along. There's nothing better than living in a house where you get along with your parent/spouse. I also loved it when we would go out to dinner and talk. "She" is very fancy lady I must say! She don't do the little "cheap" restaurants. She have to go to place like Cheesecake Factory or McCormicks, you know, those type of places. So, when we go out for dinner, trust me, we ate well!
I live in a house when I usually only spent Holidays with "her". One year I had a ex boyfriend over on Thanksgiving and Christmas and this year I spent New Years Eve and New Years Day with my current boyfriend. I remember that Christmas with my ex... oh gosh. It was okay for the most part. Only thing about it is that I kept begging my mom to give me the money to buy him a present. This was when I was in the 11th grade I believe. Maybe 10th, I cant remember. Anyway though, she kept putting it on and off. The only thing I wanted to get him was some really cute shirts because he absolutely loved T-Shirts with those prints and ish on them. You know what I am talking about? Okay. So yeah, Christmas eve came around and I was like "HEY! We need to get him something !!" She still never went out to get him anything. So Christmas morning came around and I was like ".... he is coming and I don't have anything to give him..." She pops up and was like "Oh Gosh! I forgot" So her boyfriend at the time, gave me one of his NEW watches to give to him. In my head, I'm like, thank God but than again I was like this is shitty. I cant believe I have to give him someone else item! He wanted shirts! I wanted to give him shirts! So he comes into the house and I hug him and everything (sighs). He looked just so happy, while I'm looking like -.- and -_- . In this house on that Christmas, I was dreading giving my ex his gift. I open mine and he got what I wanted ... plus more -_-. I handed him a little small bag stuffed with red paper that I found... and as he was looking inside... I turned my head away from him and my heart was beating... fast. I couldn't believe I had given him the gift. Sometimes I wish I would of just been straight up honest with him and told him what was really going on. So he pulled it out and looked at it. He smiled and he said he liked it. He put it on and everything and he actually liked it. Even tho he liked it, I still didn't feel right giving it to him because it didn't come from me! It wasnt from my heart! On the flip side though. We had a pretty great Christmas in this house. We ate, played around, watched TV, it was very nice. But I knew that watch was gonna come back and haunt my ass!! His parents and brother laughed at him and told him it was a used watch. I told him it was never worn but he said their were scratches on the back of the watch (-_-) just my luck. "Her" ex boyfriend gave him a watch that he had already worn instead one of his new ones.
The shit that happens in this house....
When I wasn't having holidays with a boyfriend. I was in this house having them with "her". They were never bad ones and on that one day we manage to get threw without fussing or drama. Kudos to us!
You think its the end of this house? Nope, you only got a taste. A House Part Four .... Coming Soon.
In this house, I always had some pretty good Christmas's. I usually gotten everything I asked for. "She" always told me she wanted me to have a better Christmas than what she had. Which is understandable. What ever I didn't have in my life, I will most defiantly go the extra mile to make sure my child have it. Like... A car at the age of 16. That is one of my biggest gifts I want to give my child. This does not include a meal every night and ect. Those are things your child needs. I live in a house where I have taken many road trips with "her". We been to New York, New Jersey, Atlanta, VA, SC and Washington DC. Probably some more place that I cant remember off the back. I always liked when we would spend time together and actually get along. There's nothing better than living in a house where you get along with your parent/spouse. I also loved it when we would go out to dinner and talk. "She" is very fancy lady I must say! She don't do the little "cheap" restaurants. She have to go to place like Cheesecake Factory or McCormicks, you know, those type of places. So, when we go out for dinner, trust me, we ate well!
I live in a house when I usually only spent Holidays with "her". One year I had a ex boyfriend over on Thanksgiving and Christmas and this year I spent New Years Eve and New Years Day with my current boyfriend. I remember that Christmas with my ex... oh gosh. It was okay for the most part. Only thing about it is that I kept begging my mom to give me the money to buy him a present. This was when I was in the 11th grade I believe. Maybe 10th, I cant remember. Anyway though, she kept putting it on and off. The only thing I wanted to get him was some really cute shirts because he absolutely loved T-Shirts with those prints and ish on them. You know what I am talking about? Okay. So yeah, Christmas eve came around and I was like "HEY! We need to get him something !!" She still never went out to get him anything. So Christmas morning came around and I was like ".... he is coming and I don't have anything to give him..." She pops up and was like "Oh Gosh! I forgot" So her boyfriend at the time, gave me one of his NEW watches to give to him. In my head, I'm like, thank God but than again I was like this is shitty. I cant believe I have to give him someone else item! He wanted shirts! I wanted to give him shirts! So he comes into the house and I hug him and everything (sighs). He looked just so happy, while I'm looking like -.- and -_- . In this house on that Christmas, I was dreading giving my ex his gift. I open mine and he got what I wanted ... plus more -_-. I handed him a little small bag stuffed with red paper that I found... and as he was looking inside... I turned my head away from him and my heart was beating... fast. I couldn't believe I had given him the gift. Sometimes I wish I would of just been straight up honest with him and told him what was really going on. So he pulled it out and looked at it. He smiled and he said he liked it. He put it on and everything and he actually liked it. Even tho he liked it, I still didn't feel right giving it to him because it didn't come from me! It wasnt from my heart! On the flip side though. We had a pretty great Christmas in this house. We ate, played around, watched TV, it was very nice. But I knew that watch was gonna come back and haunt my ass!! His parents and brother laughed at him and told him it was a used watch. I told him it was never worn but he said their were scratches on the back of the watch (-_-) just my luck. "Her" ex boyfriend gave him a watch that he had already worn instead one of his new ones.
The shit that happens in this house....
When I wasn't having holidays with a boyfriend. I was in this house having them with "her". They were never bad ones and on that one day we manage to get threw without fussing or drama. Kudos to us!
You think its the end of this house? Nope, you only got a taste. A House Part Four .... Coming Soon.
1.10.2012
School.. Epic Fail
I tend to have the worst luck with school. I am suppose to be in school now but "you know who" is in school though. Guess she did not want to spend her hard earned paycheck for me to go to school, huh? We will get to that in a minute though.
Well I always wanted to be a Computer Programmer. I'm like a geek when it come to computers, especially hardware. It changed when I only took computer classes in high school though. I was totally burnt out by time I graduate. I wanted to go to a 4 year college but I did not make the grades to go. So, I went to a local community college about 15 mins from my house. That first semester started off GREAT. . . Well.. yeah, it was alright, maybe not great (laughing in the inside). I met a lot of people and out of those "a lot" of people.. I'm only friends with one now. Note: Don't forget I'm talking about that first semester of college. Truth be told, I failed all my classes but one. Why do I feel that one is not my lucky number? (Ha). I don't know what was wrong with me back then. I was a total wreck! I didn't know what I want, I didn't even want to be a computer programmer anymore. I ended up taking a break spring semester to figure out what I wanted to do. My mom was telling me to go to school to be a Pharmacy Technician. I didn't want to do that. I thought it was going to be hard and I THOUGHT I wasn't good in math, so in my head I didn't want to give the wrong amount of dose and all that ish. I didn't even know what a Pharmacy Technician did, it just didn't sound fun at all. So, that fall semester I ended up doing online classes at a college in Greenville. Just about a hour and 15 mins from my house. I failed those classes too BUT it was not MY FAULT. I know people always try to blame others if something didn't go their way but just hear me out on this one. I did my financial aid, "she" thought it would be a good idea to put down my dad information just in case her income was to high for me to get F-Aid. Everyone knows it takes about a month for your F-Aid to go threw. Well once it came back they ask for important documents that I could not show because for one he is so far away and two, I didn't know how to get the ish! I ended up having to go back and make corrections and re-apply for it again! Which took another month! I didn't get my F-Aid until the week school started back. I had to BEG my mom to pay for my classes! Something she didn't want to do but she did anyways. The catch was, she wasn't going to pay for the books. How could I go to school with no books? NONE! Why would you pay for my classes but not my books? So, what had happen was, I got drop from all of my classes (-_-) AND I had to pay her back the money when my finical aid check and student loan check came threw mail. It took 4 weeks for my checks to come and they had already drop me from my classes because basically I had 4 weeks worth of zeros that they wouldn't let me make up.
I felt that I didn't need to pay her back any money. WHY? because she knew I was gonna get drop from classes without those books. Why would you pay for my classes and not my books? You lost nothing, I did! Now I am on student probation and have a terrible grade point avg and not only that if I ever want to go back to that school, I would have to pay for those classes out my pocket because if you take a class and failed, F-AID isn't gonna pay for them again. OH, wait! I owe that school 432 dollars now because those teacher drop me after the time I was suppose to be drop, so I owe F-AID that money back.
Well, that spring (again) I did not go to school. I did score a job at Walgreens though. That's another topic though. I'll have to blog about that later. So in August, I decided to go BACK to school AGAIN. But then, (-_-) I found out "she" didn't pay the student loan off that we had got from when I was there my first year of school. This is when I decided to go to school to be a Pharmacy Technician. I mean I HAD to do something because Walgreens was a piece of shit job and I wanted to be closer to my boyfriend. I have a AMAZING blog about my boyfriend and I coming up soon. Anyway though, I had owe 828 dollars to that college. WTF? That was the biggest shock of my life. I remember laying on the couch and I broke down (mentally) I wasnt crying just yet, I was just thinking. I was thinking about how all these obstacles kept jumping in the way of everything. Why ME? WHY? I could some-what tell "she" felt bad too. She told me she had paid all that money off a long time ago but she didn't and since it was in my name... It didn't fuck HER up it fucked ME up. I don't know if its on my credit but I am pretty sure it is -_- . (Sighs, and looks away from the computer)
Well, since she felt bad (I'm assuming), she paid the 828 dollars so I could go back to school. Again... I had to pay her back. I had 2 jobs my whole life. Every job I NEVER had a pay check to myself. I always had to give her 50 dollars or pay her back for something. Which, the 50 dollars I seriously didn't mind. It was just at my first job I was only getting paid 160-200 dollars a pay period (every 2 weeks). I'm young and there was always something I wanted ALWAYS. Maybe I was the one being selfish about the 50 dollars you know? Anyway though, I paid her back most of the money but I started thinking about why should I pay u almost a thousand dollars, when you told me that it was already paid for? You clearly told me you paid all that money back. I am pretty sure a person knows if they paid almost 1k off. She told her ex boyfriend (the one I was talking about in the last post), that I wasted all her money. How though? You didn't pay for anything? That was a student loan that CLEARLY I HAD TO PAY BACK. When I ask her about it she said she didn't say that. I seen it for myself that she did but I didn't tell her that. I still owe her 2-3 hundred more dollars and yes, I am going to pay her back. Shit, she did me a favor to pay it off once you think about it because if she wouldn't had done that than I would still be sitting here without any type of education.
Well, the Pharmacy Technician program was only 4 months long and I passed with a B. I met a lot of cool people in that class. That's another blog though. Its Spring semester (again) and I couldn't go back to school because "she" wouldn't pay the school in Greenville the 400 dollars so they could transfer my transcript back to the college near my house (sighs). Its just something about those spring semesters. I don't have a job because she wont let go out of the county I stay in and no, I don't have my own vehicle. I live in a small country county that only have 4 pharmacies.
I don't know what to do. . . . I am stuck. In this hell hole. This hell country county and I cant move forward... At all.
I'm broken... and broke. (-_-)
Well I always wanted to be a Computer Programmer. I'm like a geek when it come to computers, especially hardware. It changed when I only took computer classes in high school though. I was totally burnt out by time I graduate. I wanted to go to a 4 year college but I did not make the grades to go. So, I went to a local community college about 15 mins from my house. That first semester started off GREAT. . . Well.. yeah, it was alright, maybe not great (laughing in the inside). I met a lot of people and out of those "a lot" of people.. I'm only friends with one now. Note: Don't forget I'm talking about that first semester of college. Truth be told, I failed all my classes but one. Why do I feel that one is not my lucky number? (Ha). I don't know what was wrong with me back then. I was a total wreck! I didn't know what I want, I didn't even want to be a computer programmer anymore. I ended up taking a break spring semester to figure out what I wanted to do. My mom was telling me to go to school to be a Pharmacy Technician. I didn't want to do that. I thought it was going to be hard and I THOUGHT I wasn't good in math, so in my head I didn't want to give the wrong amount of dose and all that ish. I didn't even know what a Pharmacy Technician did, it just didn't sound fun at all. So, that fall semester I ended up doing online classes at a college in Greenville. Just about a hour and 15 mins from my house. I failed those classes too BUT it was not MY FAULT. I know people always try to blame others if something didn't go their way but just hear me out on this one. I did my financial aid, "she" thought it would be a good idea to put down my dad information just in case her income was to high for me to get F-Aid. Everyone knows it takes about a month for your F-Aid to go threw. Well once it came back they ask for important documents that I could not show because for one he is so far away and two, I didn't know how to get the ish! I ended up having to go back and make corrections and re-apply for it again! Which took another month! I didn't get my F-Aid until the week school started back. I had to BEG my mom to pay for my classes! Something she didn't want to do but she did anyways. The catch was, she wasn't going to pay for the books. How could I go to school with no books? NONE! Why would you pay for my classes but not my books? So, what had happen was, I got drop from all of my classes (-_-) AND I had to pay her back the money when my finical aid check and student loan check came threw mail. It took 4 weeks for my checks to come and they had already drop me from my classes because basically I had 4 weeks worth of zeros that they wouldn't let me make up.
I felt that I didn't need to pay her back any money. WHY? because she knew I was gonna get drop from classes without those books. Why would you pay for my classes and not my books? You lost nothing, I did! Now I am on student probation and have a terrible grade point avg and not only that if I ever want to go back to that school, I would have to pay for those classes out my pocket because if you take a class and failed, F-AID isn't gonna pay for them again. OH, wait! I owe that school 432 dollars now because those teacher drop me after the time I was suppose to be drop, so I owe F-AID that money back.
Well, that spring (again) I did not go to school. I did score a job at Walgreens though. That's another topic though. I'll have to blog about that later. So in August, I decided to go BACK to school AGAIN. But then, (-_-) I found out "she" didn't pay the student loan off that we had got from when I was there my first year of school. This is when I decided to go to school to be a Pharmacy Technician. I mean I HAD to do something because Walgreens was a piece of shit job and I wanted to be closer to my boyfriend. I have a AMAZING blog about my boyfriend and I coming up soon. Anyway though, I had owe 828 dollars to that college. WTF? That was the biggest shock of my life. I remember laying on the couch and I broke down (mentally) I wasnt crying just yet, I was just thinking. I was thinking about how all these obstacles kept jumping in the way of everything. Why ME? WHY? I could some-what tell "she" felt bad too. She told me she had paid all that money off a long time ago but she didn't and since it was in my name... It didn't fuck HER up it fucked ME up. I don't know if its on my credit but I am pretty sure it is -_- . (Sighs, and looks away from the computer)
Well, since she felt bad (I'm assuming), she paid the 828 dollars so I could go back to school. Again... I had to pay her back. I had 2 jobs my whole life. Every job I NEVER had a pay check to myself. I always had to give her 50 dollars or pay her back for something. Which, the 50 dollars I seriously didn't mind. It was just at my first job I was only getting paid 160-200 dollars a pay period (every 2 weeks). I'm young and there was always something I wanted ALWAYS. Maybe I was the one being selfish about the 50 dollars you know? Anyway though, I paid her back most of the money but I started thinking about why should I pay u almost a thousand dollars, when you told me that it was already paid for? You clearly told me you paid all that money back. I am pretty sure a person knows if they paid almost 1k off. She told her ex boyfriend (the one I was talking about in the last post), that I wasted all her money. How though? You didn't pay for anything? That was a student loan that CLEARLY I HAD TO PAY BACK. When I ask her about it she said she didn't say that. I seen it for myself that she did but I didn't tell her that. I still owe her 2-3 hundred more dollars and yes, I am going to pay her back. Shit, she did me a favor to pay it off once you think about it because if she wouldn't had done that than I would still be sitting here without any type of education.
Well, the Pharmacy Technician program was only 4 months long and I passed with a B. I met a lot of cool people in that class. That's another blog though. Its Spring semester (again) and I couldn't go back to school because "she" wouldn't pay the school in Greenville the 400 dollars so they could transfer my transcript back to the college near my house (sighs). Its just something about those spring semesters. I don't have a job because she wont let go out of the county I stay in and no, I don't have my own vehicle. I live in a small country county that only have 4 pharmacies.
I don't know what to do. . . . I am stuck. In this hell hole. This hell country county and I cant move forward... At all.
I'm broken... and broke. (-_-)
1.09.2012
A House Part Two
.................... Well... That first blog I tell you... It got A LOT off my chest. I started crying while I writing and thinking about all the horrible things that has went down in this house. Let continue on...
I live in a house, where I seen men come and go. As a child, "she" would date. Which you know is completely understandable but one thing I learn not to do, if I ever have kids, is to NOT bring different men around. I never thought of them as "daddy" or whatever. I met some cool ones, some weird ones, a rapist, bad breath Arnold, a few Marines here and there and the normal every day ones. At the age of 15 going on 16, "she" brought home a Marine.. that she met at the hospital. No, he didn't work there... he was a PATIENT. Wow, when he came around that is when shit got real. I live in a house where "she" put another man before me. "She" and I would always go out, if I needed money she would give it to me, she would always acknowledge me in this house! Ha! When he came around though... uh huh! Who is Ashley?? Ashley needs what?? Should I ask Ashley to come?? You think Ashley is hungry?? Lunch money?? School clothes?? 16th Birthday?? Hell no! From that day everything I asked for, became NO. I got into a car accident the first day of school and I crashed her truck. "She" claims that is why she don't give me anything any more. How many TEENAGERS have crashed their parents vehicles? Like really though! I am prepared for the day my child crash my vehicle! In when I was in the hospital "she" looked at me and said "you know you in trouble right?". What-The-Fuck. Do you not care if I am okay or not? My cousin was there with her and she told her not to say stuff like that right then. That day, I knew "she" could careless about me. "She" only cared about herself and what she had material wise. Later, I found out her boyfriend was trying to come to the hospital to see if I was okay, but she wouldn't let him. I had rather for him to be there, because he is very soft spoken and actually care, than her. I remember when my little cousin got into a car accident, she wouldn't let me go with her to see if he was okay. It's like she is trying to be Ms. Big Time Hero or something or just trying to be seen (O.o look on my face). Moving on. So yeah, when he came, she thought she was the shit! Those two would go out every weekend and leave me at home, go out to dinner but wouldn't never bring me nothing back to eat, go shopping buying shoes and clothes, taking mini trips to South Carolina and VA, just doing everything together! Oh, but I guess Ashley didn't want ride, wasn't hungry, didn't need any clothes or shoes, wanted to get out the house for the weekend? He had to talk to her about spending time with me!! WHAT KIND OF SHIT IS THAT? What man have to say to a woman to spend time with their child? Get the fuck outta here. I live in a house where a man was more important to her than I was. I'm just gonna touch the edges of this part. It deserves another blog. Part two coming soon.
I live in a house, where I have been called every named in the book. I feel that I was more Verbally abused than physically abused. In this house, as a CHILD, I been called a bitch, fat ass, big bitch, anything you can think of! I am the type of person that if you say something to me I would NEVER forget it. If I were to bring up any of this stuff, "she" would "act" like she don't remember but one thing you have to remember is... a child never forgets anything. In this house, as a child, "she" told me she wish she never had me and that she hated me. In this same ROOM! I cant remember what I did but she was going off! I always felt that I got in the way. Actually, I know I always got in the way. "She" always said slick shit like "If I didn't have you" or "If you wasn't here". Now she says "One day when you come home the doors will be locked" or "You better have some where to go because the day I move will be the day I will disconnect the lights and water and you will be in the dark". (-_-) What kind of shit is that?
I'm Broken but Stronger, I Listen so I'm Wiser.
I'm Broken but Stronger, I Listen so I'm Wiser.
I live in a house that can not be explain in two blogs. This house needs another one. . .
1.08.2012
Who Am I?
Who am I? I cant possibly tell you who I am... I don't even know who I am... Yet. I am still in that process in "finding" myself. Learning yourself can be the hardest thing a person have to do. I remember in middle school, I went from being Gothic to Punk, and from being Punk to being Girly. I went from wearing T-shirts to jeans, to wearing jeans and dresses.
As I grow, I can say I find out more about myself. I never notice how bad I worry. I am a very paranoia! I think the worst before the best. I over think things that really doesn't need to be thought about. I cry a lot. Yes, I know, I'm like the biggest baby ever! I have such a soft heart. Even when I prepare myself for the worst some how I always still end up getting crush. I also plan a lot. I'm just now learning that things never go as planned. Even though I KNOW THIS... I still plan! I should try to set goals instead of planning, but its something that I would have to grow out of.
Another thing about me, I have terrible thoughts. I can be smiling right at you but in my head I could be thinking something terrible or making funny jokes about you. Its not that I don't like a person, its just how I think. Especially when I mad, oh boy! I would HATE for a person to be inside my head. My boyfriend tells me that I am a big little kid, I watch Cartoons... 24/7. At times I start acting like a child. I don't know why... Its not that I have a child mind because trust me... I DON'T... Its just that I am such a playful person and when I get into those moods its like... I don't know.. Maybe I get a little too playful (shrugs).
I am a forgiving person. You can keep hurting me over and over again, and I will keep forgiving you over and over again but people really do have a breaking point. Once I have mine, than I really don't want to have anything else to deal with you. I mean I'll always be casual but that's all it will be. Everyone can be a little judgmental until you get to know someone or something. That is me, not all the time but only to things out the ordinary... Hard to explain what I am by that though. I am a great friend and I expect the same in return! When I love, I love hard!
So, (takes a deep breath, in and out) that is just a little about my personality. People get things they LIKE mixed up when it come to telling about THEMSELVES. Ill make a blog about the things I like a little later. Time to get back to our scheduled program =)
A house Part One
I'm living in a house. A house that is filled with selfishness. A house that two people do not get along. A house that makes you say "F it, I rather stay in a homeless shelter". A house that has been standing more than 30 years now. That is filled with amazing memories... and terrible ones. A house that I wouldn't want to ever come back to. Just because I been in this house for 20+ years now. Also, as long as "she" is living in this house, I REALLY wouldn't EVER want to come back.
I'm living in a house that is filled with regret. In this house, I treated my grandmother bad when I was a child. Right here in this room I'm in now... I told my grandmother I wished she would die. About 10 feet away in my bedroom, I would cry... I would bury my face into my pillow and scream how much I hated her. Ha. (Shaking My Head) I was saying that to a woman that basically took care of my butt when "she" wasn't in this house to do it for me. I hate this house because as long as I am here, those words always seem to reply in the back of my head. When "she" wanted to go out shopping and club hopping, this wonderful woman took care of me, made sure I ate morning, afternoon and night, got me ready for school and was always there with the front door open waiting for me to get off the bus. In this house, I had the NERVES to disrespect this amazing woman... that I will never see again. Its to late to say sorry, she is gone now, But if her soul still lingers around this house... if she is looking down on me, she would know that I am sorry and I know that she forgives me
I'm broken but stronger because I'm learning.
I live in a house, where I suffer mega tail whooping's from both "her" and my grandmother. "Her's" were more brutal than my grandmother (Smiling). I GUESS I can say those whooping's worked. Whatever I did wrong, I didn't never do it again!!
I was broken but stronger because I learned.
I live in a house, that we almost lost. Watching "her" scrambling up money to pay off taxes (I guess?) that was in debt from when my grandmother past away. At that time I didn't really know what was going on. I just know that it was something bad because "she" was gone all day and all night trying to come up with the money... and "she" did! That's what single moms... go threw.
I was confused but now smarter because I watched and learned.
I live in a house... That needs more than one post.. Trust me it doesn't stop here... This house holds a lot of memories and pain... for me at least. How can a house become your whole entire life??
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